Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…