I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
How your email finds me
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.