We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player