Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.