Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.