[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Does it…does it take 3 days