Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.