Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling