If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis