oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
This is a whole mood;
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you