When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
RT if you could go either way.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.