over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
For the ones in the back.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣