Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Autocarrot sucks!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them