One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h