[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.