Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.