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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I love twitter
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat