My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
You Might Also Like
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.