Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
This was the best day of my life
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.