*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
6. me as a lawyer
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.