Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
You Might Also Like
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?