{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today