First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob