People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.