thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
You Might Also Like
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park