I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*