Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.