Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
😜
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic