DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I identify as an antique shop.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind