*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.