I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Mad Max: Furry Road
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: