On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..