Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You Might Also Like
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?