I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
the official breakfast of 2021
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving