[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
grotesque if literal: baby food
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Saw your ex at the shops
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.