If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
at ease…shoulder.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Reporter: *ports again*