I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up