I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
You Might Also Like
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
same bro
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
mumsnet is amazing
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Rt to bother an English speaker