My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?