[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that