Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Finally!
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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