Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
You Might Also Like
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away