‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Fluff me with a fork baby
Cat.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: …
Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00