I wish this was real life…
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf