nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other