Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what