My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
can’t talk my ride’s here
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.