I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m literally crying
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.