My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
this will hang in the louvre one day
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.