*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ